Zen and the art of breastfeeding

Most of my days are harried. There are always dishes to do, meals to make, diapers to change, phone calls to take, emails to send, and errands to run. Even the best and most enjoyable part of my day- the part that involves my son Rainer- can be exhausting. We play, we eat, we struggle to get down for naps, we read books, and he tries to redecorate the apartment while I follow him and try to put things back into place. I sometimes wish I had a pedometer to track all the walking I do in a single day just following him about. I bet you I walk the equivalent of 8 miles a day!

There is, however, one part of my day that is consistantly relaxing. So relaxing in fact that I can only compare it to a spa trip, a massage, the after sex glow or a shot of tequila(not that I have had any in the past ten years but I have a memory!). What is this amazing event? Nursing sessions. Yes, those few stolen moments with my crazy toddler when we sit in a darkened room, his body stretched across mine nursing are some of the most relaxed, spiritual, happy, and meditative parts of my day. I might go as far as to say of my life, as I am one of the most high-strung and constantly busy people I know. But it is that incredible. While nursing, I relax more deeply than I ever have, come to bigger realizations than I might have before, and am more centered and spiritually open than I thought possible for myself.

What makes this all happen? If I didn't know any better, I might assume that it was all just about rest, finally getting a second to sit in the dark and allow my body to come to repose. But I do know better. I know it is about much more than that. I know how magical breastfeeding really is in every way, including physiologically. Yes, breastfeeding in and of itself is a calming act. Sitting or lying down several times a day while you are snuggling the baby you love is sure to make even this hyperactive person slow down. But the most high-strung of us may need nature's other little benefit...the drugs. Oxytocin and prolactin anyone? They should market this stuff. I really don't know how mothers who don't nurse do it. I for one need those drugs daily.

Okay, this is the way it is described on breastfeeding.com. "Your baby's sucking stimulates nerve endings in the areolae, which send messages to your hypothalamus and pituitary gland (in your brain), causing them to start releasing oxytocin and prolactin, breastfeeding hormones that will begin to calm and relax you." Tell me that isn't cool?! Nature really knows what the hell she is doing!

So beyond the physical and emotional benefits- the bonding, the higher IQ points, the protection against allergies, asthma, eczema, gastroenteritis, ear infections, obesity and diabetes, and the antibodies which offer protection against tons of viruses- you also get the relaxation benefits too! I couldn't be happier.

So maybe the next time you hear someone say, "I need a drink" or "I need a vacation", you can tell them what they really need... to breastfeed! :)

Rainer's third granny - an apple named Smith!

My son Rainer and I had a lovely morning together yesterday! We SHARED a granny smith apple! Nothing earth shattering or mind blowing... just apple sharing. It was very cute. After reading one of his books that has different kids dressed as adults in different professions, he flipped back to page two where the little "farmer" girl was eating an apple and smiled and pointed to her. Then he pointed at the apple and said "Yum" (a new word of his) and did this lip smacking sound that he does when he is hungry. I quickly got out a perfect organic granny smith apple and took a bite and made a sour face. This made him laugh and then he took it and bit into it and made HIS sour face and we both laughed. From then on he took bites and then held it for me to take bites while we read books and played. He shared this apple with me alternating bite for bite the whole time! When he would hold it for a long moment and forget about sharing, I would make MY lip smacking sound and he would give me more. It was simply the best! Might sound silly, but it really was.

Yesterday for the first time in a long while, I was just happy to be a mom and be home with him. I didn't need to be or do anything else. The dishes could stack up, the house could go to pot, and the emails stay unanswered. And I didn't feel the pressure I usually am surrounded by that tells me that I should be MORE than just a mom. That crazy voice that makes me feel as though I am not fully realizing some kind of potential or something. Yesterday, I could just enjoy him and enjoy the gift of being in the presence of this amazingly beautiful and open soul. What an important job I have! Raising a human being. I could just allow myself to feel happy and lucky and blessed to be with this child every day who teaches me so much. Will this feeling last? I don't know, but for now I have rediscovered that I am happy. I quess I always have been but just didn't allow myself to fully take it in and acknowledge it. As if I didn't have the right to be happy being 'just a mom." As I wrote that last line, Rainer blew a fart on my leg and laughed... guess that is my cue to go play again! Maybe this is how one gets their own childhood back.:-)

My son's one year birthday and reflections on the year

I know this will sound cliche or predicable or whatever, but I simply can't believe that my son will be one year old on Friday. It seems as though just yesterday I was carrying him home from the hospital in a green and orange striped hospital blanket listening to the sound of his breathing.

My son Rainer is just more than I could have ever imagined. He is vibrant, inquisitive, bright, funny, soulful... and mine. Well, as much as he can be anyone's. He truly is his own person, body and soul. I had been thinking about the connection of belonging and children one day after hearing so many moms in my circle of mommy friends refer to "my son" or "my daughter." I was thinking are they ever truly ours? I wrote this poem after thinking about all of this as he was sleeping for the first night in his own room.

2:06 AM

you are asleep
in the new room
across the hall
miles from me
while I caress the
impossibly flat shell
my belly
as
the great moon of your face
rises inside
the pool of my eyes

the minute you were
formed
a germ
floating in the
cosmic ocean
of my womb
you were
not mine

floating freely
you developed into
an element of the world
a fragmented
promise of yourself
surfacing ever so
gradually
away
from me
your mother

my child:
the prickly truth of
your becoming-
you were part of me
yet
never really were.

4/26/06

Well, until next time...