Soulmates in Cyberspace

My husband, Matthew, is my soulmate. Now, I know how trite and overused that word is nowadays, but he truly is mine. Yes, yes, I know all about the images in storybooks, the false "ever-afters" and the need to be rescued that trip up so many people in their pursuit of a life partner. I would never say that Matt "completes me" - that terrible Hollywood movie line that made millions of women sigh and perpetuated unhealthy beliefs in what a real and lasting relationship or marriage is based on. No, I know very well that no one person can be everything to another person and that one must be completly and fully in love with one's own self before ever even dreaming of fully loving and feeling complete with another person. I know all that stuff from Relationships 101, and thus do not use the word "soulmate" lightly.

I am a woman who has done tons of work on myself, had years of therapy, and gone through the hell of self-hatred and back to find out that I am a pretty interesting and inspiring person, with my own merits and my own accomplishments. So when I say that Matt and I are soulmates, I say it with the gravity and sobriety that those words carry. I mean to say that our souls are those that most mirror and connect to each other, making it possible for us to be our best selves when we are with each other and when we are in the world, souls unfettered by the shackles of jealousy, possession, and a need for control which dominate so many relationships.

The position of soulmate was not an easy one to fill in my life, believe you me! I spent years searching for someone with a similar mix of passion, artistry, humor, and sheer nerdiness to be able to walk with me down the road of marriage, children and an unknowable future. "Okay, okay... do tell," you say, "Just HOW did you meet this soulmate - the being who most makes your heart sing and ignites your secret dreams, desires, and passions???"

I met him on an internet dating site. Yes, unbelievable, but true.

Okay, so here's the story: I broke up with a guy that I was with for three years and really thought I would marry. I wasn't even interested in dating till a year later. The relationship and subsequent break up really snapped me in half. I had no interest in internet dating but so many close friends keep pushing me towards it. Even my therapist was in on it. So finally I thought, "What the heck... it can't hurt, and if nothing else it will shut them all up."

I started by putting my profile on Match.com and after about 15 minutes had over 65 responses. I was overwhelmed, but carefully and methodically narrowed the emails down. Slowly, I started having some phone conversations with a few of these suitors and then went on a BUNCH of dates. Okay, actually a slew of them. Now I was on a mission. I WOULD meet a soulmate! I would not rest. I would tire. I would drink pots and pots of peppermint tea and thwart many obnoxious advances just to be able to hold hands with the man who could be the father of my children.

After a while, I was going on so many dates that I had to keep note cards with the guy's name, job and relevant information on them so as to keep it all straight and not embarrass myself on the date. "Tonight is Bob. He is a musician. We talked about politics and favorite kinds of chewing gum on the phone last week," I would coach myself before entering the restaurant. Something had gone terribly wrong.

Needless to say, the dates were all bad. I am not exaggerating. I mean, really, really bad. One guy's only deep conversation was to ask me if I thought I was more like Ginger or Marianne on Gilligan's Island. I told him I was like the Professor. Next, there was the guy who after hearing I was a self-defense instructor, told me that he "could kick my ass if he wanted to." Then there was the man who reached across a table, took my hands in his own, and said, "For such a pretty girl, you have such ugly hands." Oh, there are many more such horror stories, but I will just leave it at that. You all have great imaginations, I'm sure. Those bad dates went on for about 3 months!!!

I changed internet dating services and checked out Dreammates.com. It was mostly the same thing for a while, except the guys and the dates weren't nightmares; they were just "not right for me" kinda guys. Maybe it was the site change or maybe my screening process had just gotten a bit better, I don't know. Either way I was still VERY defeated and about to give up. Soulmate on the internet? What was I thinking? I told an acquaintance of mine who had suggested the internet dating thing that I was taking my profile down. She said, "Terri, don't do it! Just wait two more weeks and if nothing happens then you can take it down. I have a feeling you are close to meeting someone special." I was like, "Yeah, right... meeting a psychopath!"

I don't know why I listened to her but I did, and a week later I got my future husband's email. We had a 100% match, and that wasn't even the half of it. We e-mailed back and forth, then we talked on the phone for hours. When we met for coffee for the first time, we talked for 8 hours straight. A friend of mine thought I was abducted or dead when she didn't hear back about how it went after the first two hours. Our next dates were 12-14 hours each, and this continued for 2 months until we finally HELD HANDS! By then we were already in love with each other so when the first kiss happened later that night... well, let me just say that "knees getting weak" is not just a metaphor for people in love. It is a reality.

I promise you that although I was searching for one, I never really believed deeply that soulmates existed until I met Matthew. It all sounds so corny I know, but now there's no doubt in my mind that they exist. Our first date was 6/1/03, first kiss 7/27/03, we were engaged 11/23/03, and married 8/21/04. And our beautiful son arrived on 12/15/06. Every day with my family is just an amazing gift. It is phenomenal to think about where I was and that I almost never met this man because I was going to give up or not even post on ad on-line. I can't imagine my life without him now.

I know many people are skeptical about on-line dating, and I think that is with some good reason. I know it is difficult, time consuming, and sometimes even costly. Going out to eat a few nights a week can take a toll on your budget for sure. I know also that there are a lot of "bad" dates out there in the way of meeting the "right" person. I know there are risks and vulnerabilities, but when you juxtapose it with the abundance of blessings and love and trust and true companionship that could be waiting there for you if you risk it, then it is a no-brainer. Really! If I can meet my soulmate, on-line no less, then truly anyone can. Most people know me as a very picky, intensely passionate, opinionated, and high-strung woman with a past full of bad relationships and some icky baggage. How liberating it is to be loved despite it all or, even better, because of it all. Matthew has taught me that.

On the eve of Valentine's Day - a holiday invented to sell greeting cards and stuffed bears and make single people want to jump off buildings - I say to all the singles out there desperate to find their soulmate, what do you really have to lose? A little dignity? A few Friday nights? Just make your profile honest and specific. Everyone is looking for someone who is nice and fun. Go deeper than that! Oh, and talk and/or e-mail with anyone BEFORE you agree to meet them. My only advice. Beyond that, try to stay positive and have fun. A soulmate in cyberspace? Anything is possible. Truly.